A Response

This post is a response to my best friend, an explanation of some of my thoughts and feelings, and an expression of gratitude...I hope it comes across as such.

Let me begin by explaining last week. I finally got the chance to talk to my friend on the phone and we ended up talking about what a crazy world this is and allowing each other to really express our concerns, fears, and hesitations. I expressed my concern for my girls. Many of you know...I am baby hungry...all the time. I want a large family...very large. I don't expect everyone to understand or to agree with me and THAT'S OK. To each his own. I am a firm believer in the concept that was discussed in a talk at conference, which is that family decisions are to be made between husband, wife and the Lord. Anyway, I was expressing to my friend the worries I have about raising said large family in the world we all live in, and even worse, the world our children will live in. We finished our phone call and I didn't need to look in the mirror to recognize the look of bewilderment on my face...How were we to do this?

Fast foward one day. I was on my morning walk with my girls and the dog (even though I was sick). Andie FINALLY fell asleep in her stroller (she was starting to feel sick as well). Avey had climbed up on a small rock and wanted my help getting down. So I walked the two or three steps it took to get back to her and turned around just in time to see the dog bolt into the street...and realize that his leash was strapped to Andie's stroller. The stroller tipped over into the street and landed upside down, with Andie's face on the pavement of the road. She started screaming, I ran out to get her, leaving Avey on the rock (she wasn't in any danger) and to collect our things that were strewn for many feet across the road. Avey started screaming because I was screaming and Andie was screaming. Luckily Andie was bundled up thanks to our cooler weather and her hat took the brunt of the blow,  leaving no wounds on her face.

Fast forward to that afternoon. We had all recovered from the morning walk incident...and yes, that meant shipping the dog to my mom's house. Not literally shipping of course, although had anyone given me the option to forcefully put him in a box small enough to send through the mail, I would have obliged. Andie was feeling worse and worse, getting stuffy and struggling to sleep. I finally decided to take her for a drive, which is essentially the only way she will sleep when she isn't feeling well. She screamed for blocks and I began to feel overwhelmed. She screamed for a few more blocks and just as I was starting to wonder if this would work, she fell asleep. As we stopped at a red light Avey informed me that she had undone her own buckle and needed me to help her fix it. I took off my seat belt, turned around, did Avey's buckle, turned back around (all before the light turned green), looked out the passenger side window and saw the cop turn on his lights. Fabulous. The light turned green and I pulled forward a few feet into the Dairy Queen parkinglot. He approached my window, asked why I was without a seatbelt, gave me approximately 10 seconds to explain that I was fixing Avey's buckle, took my information, left, and returned with my first ticket. $142. He quickly returned to his car and drove away. I put my head on the steering wheel and began to cry. It had just been that kind of day. As I pulled into the bank parking lot to get a hug from Rusty, Andie woke up and started crying.

Fast forward one more day. I woke up on Friday morning...well, can it be considered 'waking up' if you get less than 4 hours of sleep? Poor Andie was so congested that she would only sleep if I was standing or sitting completely upright in the recliner. We decided to go for a morning walk (without the dog) and explored our neighbor's garage sale. We came home and I finally got Andie to sleep in the baby swing on our swing set in the back yard. Avey was playing, Andie was sleeping and the sun was starting to shine just a little bit. I heard three extremely loud and powerful knocks on the front door, followed by multiple door bell rings. I began to panic just a touch because let's be honest...no one is that excited to see me unless something is wrong. I ran to the front door, opened it and found a man in his late 60's with a fuzzy face and angry eyes. Immediately he started yelling, quite profanely. He informed me that while he was parked in front of my house to attend my neighbor's garage sale my sprinklers had turned on and gotten the side of his truck wet. He then forcefully told me that I could get a towel and clean it up or he would come inside my house and get one himself. (Literally, insert swear words about every 3 words...even if it doesn't seem to fit or make sense). I closed and locked the door, feeling intimidated. I ran to the back to get the girls and returned to the front window in time to watch him point at me, yell "You inconsiderate B****!", kick with force and break completely off, the sprinkler head that had sprayed his truck, sending a geyser of water into the air. I lost it. I cried for the better part of an hour.

I felt, in one word...hopeless. How could I possibly teach my children everything they need to know to survive in a world full of these kinds of experiences? How could I even survive? How could we possibly win in a world full of opposition? How could we see light in the complete darkness of sin and lack of love that fill the earth?

I'll tell you how. Live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Surround yourself with people that lift you up. Understand that you are never alone. My friend sent me a message on Saturday that told me she had prayed for me to find answers to the questions I had conveyed to her on the phone...and I began to feel a little bit of peace. I listened to the General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and felt a little bit more. As I was listening to a talk about the Book of Mormon I heard a voice in my head that whispered to me "Your children will be blessed with special talents and abilities that will be greater than the adversity they will face." I felt calm. There is not one doubt in my mind that this is true, and not just for my children. Just as soon as that thought was gone another came. It said "Set some goals." I quickly scrawled a few goals into my journal, the first was "Read your scriptures EVERY DAY" In order to teach my children, I must learn. I must live the gospel to its fullest. Asking for help is pointless if I am unwilling to act.

I got online today and read a blog post by my dearest friend. When I finished reading and crying I realized I had an additional witness, another answer to my prayers. I want to express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel their presence and I am eternally grateful for the guidance I receive day by day. I am grateful to them for sending people into my life that change me, love me and inspire me. I suppose in all this, I want to convey that there is hope. There is an old saying that reads "Never let the fear of losing keep you from playing the game." How true that is. It applies to every aspect of our lives. The message of the restored gospel is a message of hope in troubled times. We need not fear. My mind has been turned to hymn number 128 which reads:

I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God’s love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; his love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.

I know this to be true. Thank you, friend, for understanding me, praying for me, encouraging me. Thank you, Rusty, for hugging me. Thank you, Lord, for sending amazing people into my life, people who will teach me the things Thou would have me learn when I can't seem to figure it out for myself. I am truly blessed...